literature

Worst. Bhaalspawn. Ever. chap1

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Literature Text

Gather ‘round, friends, and hear me well as I recall an epic tale—the grand adventure of the worst excuse for a Bhaalspawn that ever walked the Realms. Her name was Samora. A sorceress, she was. But she now found herself in a very tight situation…
“Ah, you’re awake,” a voice chuckled, “About time, too, I need to do more…experiments.”
Samora cracked one eye open. Great, she thought, that stupid ugly elf dude is back…
She cried out in pain as a blast of fire hit her full on. She grabbed the iron bars of her cage, not even noticing their heat, and shouted at the man, “What the hells was that for!?”
“Why, I’m testing your power, of course.”
“Hmph. Seems more like you’re testing your power to me.”
Then came the lightning bolt.
“Augh! Since when does lightning strike indoors!?”
“Since I said so,” the ugly elf replied smugly, “So there. Nyah!”
He began casting another spell, and Samora quickly pretended to faint.
“Well, darn,” she heard his voice muttering, “I suppose I’ll have to wait for yet another day.” Then she heard another voice—a gravelly, monotone one. “Master, more intruders have invaded the complex.”
She heard the elf groan, and through one partially open eye, recognized the telltale blue shimmer of a teleportation spell. She breathed a sigh of relief. That hideous bully of an elf was gone now. “But I’m still trapped in here,” she said out loud, reminding herself of her bleak reality.
“Samora!” called a gentle voice, “Samora, come on, we have to get out of here!”
Around the corner came a young pink-haired woman with a scar over her right eye. “Samora! I found the key! Let’s get out of here!”
Samora narrowed her eyes. “Do I know you?”
“Samora, don’t you remember!?” the girl cried, “It’s me, Imoen! IMOEN!”
Samora remained silent for a moment, and then shook her head. “Nope. I’m getting nothing here.”
“I’ve been your best friend since you were seven years old,” Imoen replied, looking upset, “Just how many times did that guy fry your head, anyway?”
“Let’s see…” she muttered, beginning to count on her fingers. However, she soon ran out of fingers and had to sit down on the floor of the cage in order to continue on her toes. Finally, she glanced up at Imoen and replied, “About fifteen. Why?”
“Oh gosh,” Imoen gasped, “No wonder you lost your memory!”
Then she remembered why she had come over to Samora in the first place, and produced a key from her pocket. Unlocking the cage door, she helped Samora step onto the floor. “I have a headache,” she whined, suddenly and randomly.
“Um, I thought we had to get out of here,” Samora replied, raising an eyebrow.
“Right,” Imoen nodded, “But first let’s go free the others!”
Samora’s Eyes widened. “The others?”
”Wow, you really must have lost a whole crapload of brain cells,” Imoen commented, “Minsc and Jaheira—we have to save them!”
Samora shrugged. “O-kayyyy, I’ll just pretend I understand whatever the hells you just said.”
So together, Samora and Imoen walked to the back of the room, where there were two other people behind bars. One of them was a scary-looking half elf woman sulking in a corner. The other one, a heavily muscled bald man, had his fists clenched, and was shouting, “ MINSC AND BOO WILL NOT STAND FOR THIS!!! BUTTS WILL BE KICKED! AND IT IS MINSC WHO WILL BE DOING THE KICKING!”
However, when he saw Samora and Imoen walking towards his cell, his face broke out into a wide grin, “Samora!” he cried, “Boo is very happy you re all right!”
The confused Bhaalspawn blinked. “What?”
The bald man looked rather sad now. “You mean you don’t remember Minsc and Boo?”
She shook her head. “Sorry, can’t say I do.”
“No!” cried Minsc, slamming his big, hulking fist into the bars of his cell, “How could you forget Minsc!?”
Then he looked down and realized he had broken the bars. He smiled. “Oh, you upset Minsc because you know he break bars. You’re smart!”
“No, I’m sorry,” she muttered, “I can’t remember a thing. You’ll have to introduce yourselves. I really am sorry. I mean it. Really.”
Minsc sighed. “Fine. I am Minsc, ranger and expert kicker of evil’s butt! And this is Boo, the super amazing miniature giant space hamster!”
Samora raised an eyebrow. “Are you high?”
Imoen giggled, and Minsc roared with laughter. “Silly Samora, the only thing Minsc is high off of is GOODNESS! …Right, Boo?”
Boo squeaked in reply and began gnawing on Minsc’s ear.
All the noise caught the attention of the sulking woman the next cell over. She sighed, got up out of her emo corner and walked over to the front of the cell. “So, now you’re all free. But what about me?”
“Don’t worry!” Imoen squealed, “We’ll save you, Jaheira! Come on, guys, we need to find the key to Jaheira’s cell!”
Samora shook her head. “I have a better idea. Jaheira or whatever your name is, you might wanna back up a little bit.”
Both Jaheira and Imoen looked at the Bhaalspawn like she was crazy, which she probably was, wondering what in the Nine Hells she could be thinking.
“Oi, Minsc!” shouted Samora, dancing in front of Jaheira’s cell, “I think you’re a really crappy butt kicker of evil. You’re a sucky excuse for a defender of good. And Boo’s just a normal hamster. That’s right…normal.”
With a terrible roar, Minsc charged at her, full-speed. She quickly sidestepped out of the way, and Minsc went crashing into the bars of the cell. Jaheira gingerly stepped out.
“See?” Samora grinned, resting her hands on her hips, “Problem solved.”
Jaheira smiled. “I suppose I have to introduce myself as well, huh, you little amnesiac? I am Jaheira, a druid.”
Samora nodded. “So…Druid…ranger…space hamster…”
“Mage-thief,” Imoen interjected.
Samora blinked. “Right. So, uhhhh…what am I?”
Imoen shrugged. “Sorceress.”
“Dammit!” the Bhaalspawn cried out in dismay.
Jaheira and Imoen looked at her. “What?” they asked in unison.
“I wanted to be a bard…” she pouted.
Jaheira raised an eyebrow. “Why in the Nine Hells would you want to be a bard!? Bards are pansies.”
“I wanna be in plays and make pretty music and stuff, “ she replied, as if it were completely obvious.
Jaheira shrugged. “Whatever. Let’s just get out of this foul place.”
The young Bhaalspawn nodded. “Yes, let’s.”
“The portal in the east needs a key,” Imoen stated bluntly, “I checked before I came to rescue you guys.”
“So that leaves the ominous door to the north and that suspicious west passage,” Jaheira observed, “What a choice.”
“So which way should we go?” Imoen wondered, “Samora, you’re the leader, so—“
“Samora’s eyebrows shot straight up under her bangs. “I’m the leader!?” she cried out in delight and surprise, “Sweet!”
“Boo wishes to know what you think,” Minsc informed her sagely.
“There’s only one way to decide this,” said Samora with a grin, as the others leaned in to hear her undoubtedly wise advice.
“Eenie, meenie, miney, moe…”
Everyone else in the party, Boo included, all fell to the floor in a tremendous face-fault.
“We go north!” Samora shouted confidently.
“Now wait just a min--” Jaheira began, but the Bhaalspawn cut her off.
“Hey, hey, Imoen says I’m the leader,” Samora reminded her, “And I say we go north!”
Imoen shrugged. “Sounds fine to me.”
“Yes,” roared Minsc, “Let us go find evil butts to kick!”
So, the brave, bold, and quite possibly completely and totally bonkers party pressed on, and opened the scary-looking door to the north. They entered the room, and almost at once, Imoen let out a terrible, piercing scream.
“EEK! GOLEM!”
“Hi!” squeaked Samora, waving at the golem, “What’s up?”
Jaheira slapped her forehead in disbelief. “You’re not supposed to talk to it, you moron!”
Samora blinked and gazed over at Jaheira with big, innocent eyes. “I’m not?” The half-elf druid sighed exasperatedly.
“GO BACK TO YOUR CELLS,” the golem boomed.
“Great,” muttered Jaheira, “Another obstacle in our path.”
“GO BACK TO YOUR CELLS,” the golem repeated, “THE MASTER WANTS YOU TO GO BACK TO YOUR CELLS.”
“You know, call me crazy,” Samora observed, “But I don’t think that thing’s gonna attack us.”
Jaheira shook her head. “But that makes no sense--”
Samora shrugged. “The ugly dude probably didn’t think we’d actually escape,” she pointed out, “So, he didn’t program the golem to attack us.”
“GO BACK TO YOUR CELLS,” the golem repeated once more.
“Sorry, but I can’t oblige you on that,” Samora replied quickly, “Come on, guys, let’s move on.”
Ho sooner had they entered the narrow passageway at the north end of the room than they were confronted by a vaguely humanoid creature with bat wings.
Samora looked over at Imoen for information. “What’s that thing, some kind of demon!?”
“Mephit!” Imoen called back.
“BUTT KICKING FOR GOODNESS!” came a cry from the side as Minsc charged the mephit head-on.
Five minutes and about a hundred nasty curse words later, the mephit was dead on the ground, and Minsc was covered from head to toe with all sorts of injuries, grinning like an idiot.
“Okay, people, what did we learn from this?” asked Samora.
“That Minsc can’t be so damn reckless,” answered Jaheira with a little smirk.
“Exactly,” replied Samora, “Now, since Minsc needs some time to heal, I say we rest here for the night.”
haha my adventure in BGII.
My stupid antics run rampant.
I am SO the worst Bhaalspawn ever!
© 2007 - 2024 Sammi-The-FF-Freak
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Lafein's avatar
bwahaha X'D :heart: yay, silly Bhaalspawns!