Things I Can't Do In TES3

101 Things Sammi Can No Longer Do in Morrowind.

1. I may not ask Caius Cosades where he gets his moon sugar.

2. I am no longer allowed within 100 feet of a Scroll of Icarian Flight.

3. Even if I *am* wielding a spear, I am not allowed to compare it to Lord Vivec's.

4. I will not shout "Moo!" every time I see a netch.

5. I will not run around hugging people while I am infected with Corprus.

6. I will not wield the Fork of Horripilation for the sole purpose of making bad puns.

7. I am never to mention the phrases "Vivec" and "get jiggy with it" in the same sentence.

8. Cliff racer plumes cannot be used as darts. I am not allowed to test this.

9. The guild guides are not implementing Wonkavision.

10. I am no longer allowed to use the "Emasculate" spell.

11. And if I do use it, I am not allowed to open my mouth.

12. I am not the Avatar.

13. I am to answer "Yes, sir," to Caius Cosades' orders, NOT "What is the point?"

14. Not even if I named my character Xan.

15. I am not allowed to join House Dagoth.

16. …I can't create my own Great House, either.

17. The Sheogorad region is not called "Cloudcuckooland".

18. It's not called "Lolvivecroxxorzland" either.

19. Cliff racers are not arrowhawk wannabes.

20. I am not the original Lusty Argonian Maid.

21. *Especially* not when I'm playing a Bosmer.

22. Or a male.

23. Or both.

24. …Heck, not even when I'm actually playing a female Argonian.

25. "Spells with funny names" is not a legitimate school of magic.

26. Therana did not escape from the Shivering Isles.

27. "LOL FAIL" is not a disease.

28. No matter how many cliff racers I blast out of the sky, it still doesn't make me a sniper.

29. Contracting the Blight does not equate to "Super happy fun time"

30. Red Mountain is not "just a model".

31. Moon sugar is not to be used for that.

32. Silt striders do not taste like chicken.

33.Even if the scribs ARE adorable, I still can't take one home and name it George.

34.I am strictly forbidden from referring to ANY Khajiit as "Mr. Fluffums"

35. I cannot tame a flock of cliff racers and use them to do my bidding.

36. The Fork of Horripilation is not to be used for that.

37. My character class is not "Badass".

38. Nor is it "Sheogorath".

39. I can't be a Jedi, either.

40. The Nerevarine is not the reincarnation of Chuck Norris.

41. I am not allowed to perform my own rendition of 'Singing in the Rain' in the middle of an ash storm.

42. I will not make jokes about the giant mushrooms.

43. Especially not when House Telvanni is involved.

44. Corprus is not "magic cancer".

45. I am not allowed to ask Vivec how he managed to lose all that weight after having 200 assbabies with Molag Bal.

46. No matter how many times I make allusions to the contrary, M'Aiq the Liar is not my type.

47. The Spear of Bitter Mercy is most definitely not to be used for that.

48. ESPECIALLY not when it involves "Uncle Crassius".

49. Sul-Matuul is the Ashkhan, not Genghis Khan.

50. I will not pretend to understand what Therana is saying

51. I'm not allowed to turn the volume down and make my own sound effects.

52. ESPECIALLY not when silt striders are involved.

53. I will not name my character "Nerevar", no matter how hilarious it may be.

54. I cannot do my own voice acting for any non-voiced lines.

55. My character does not sound like Foamy the Squirrel

56. I am not to shout "The power of AlmSiVi compels you!" at any undead. Spells work far better.

57. For the last time, I *do* remember my own name, I can hear Divayth Fyr just fine, and he does *not* need to speak in the Language of Stones.

58. I cannot communicate with Daedra by spouting gibberish.

59. I am no longer allowed to go inside the Ghostfence "just for the heck of it".

60. I am not supposed to *try* to get my character sick.

61. Black anther and black lotus ARE NOT THE SAME THING.

62. I am no longer allowed to play a Khajiit, and you *don't* want to know why.

63. No matter how much she looks like one, Azura is not a man.

64. Even if he's responsible for everything else, I am not allowed to blame Vivec for Crassius Curio's existence.

65. I cannot get high smoking Roobrush, so I should stop trying.

66. Dagoth Ur is not a stripper.

67. There are ALWAYS cliff racers, and I should not lure others into a false sense of security by telling them there are not.

68. Randomly falling off walkways in Vivec is not a sign of latent superpowers.

69. I will not create a custom spell called "Dragon Slave".

70: I will not let my character stand there and be killed on the grounds that 'Dreamers have feelings too.'

71. When the weather is being bipolar, I will just pretend its raining and there's an ash storm at the same time, instead of bringing to attention how it switches between the two every five minutes because the game engine can't process two types of weather at once.

72. My character does not have a fur fetish.

73. No matter how many slaves I free, I still can't call myself "The Abraham Lincoln of Vvardenfell".

74. I will not wear golden armor while playing a man.

75. ….I can't put him in a skirt, either.

76.  Robes are okay, though.

77. I will not slip Moon Sugar into people's beverages just to witness the (highly amusing) results.

78. The story behind how the Tribunal ascended to godhood cannot and will not be summarized as "The Lord of the Rings backwards, but with drows."

79. Furthermore, the next time I use the word 'Drows', ESPECIALLY if it is to describe Dunmer, I am to be shot to death with silencing arrows.

80. And I can't toggle god mode to evade this fate.

81. Vivec is a god for a *reason*.

82. Despite its similar effects, I will not refer to Skooma as an energy drink, or as any brand names that produce said product.

83. The Sleepers do not need an alarm clock.

84. Altmer do not use their ears for *that*, and I will not imply such.

85. My battle cry is not "Burn the witch!"

86. Nor is it "Super kamikaze squishy mage dagger rush!"

87. I will not try to get Ajira and Caius Cosades in the same room.

88. I don't care how abundant it is, I'm not making an entire outfit out of Wickwheat.

89. Towns are not made for my own convenience, so I should really stop bashing Hla Oad for not having an inn.

90. I am no longer allowed to drink Greef.

91. I will not tell Vivec that his skin tone clashes with itself. (see #81)

92. I can't have a 'snowball fight' in an ash storm.

93:. Trying to catch ash flakes on my tongue is also not acceptable.

94. I will not try to give Dagoth Ur a makeover.

95. Vivec is not my homeboy.

96. Neither is Sheogorath.

97. Or Therana.

98. The correct term is 'Dwemer', not 'steampunk elves with beards'.

99. I will stop making funny faces at the Ordinators.

100. I am not allowed to start a restaurant called the 'Ragin' Cajun Slaughterfish Shack'.

101. No matter how advanced the magic in Tamriel is, enchanters cannot make cell phones.